I was recently asked by some friends to tell them exactly what kind of woman I wanted to be introduced to. I immediately became frozen with fear at the very thought of it. Friends, especially those in committed relationships, have an almost ordained desire to set up you up as if you are somehow broken and you need to be repaired.
My personality and my initial reaction were to tell them to piss off and to leave me alone. So I have to ask myself why I am back here at my keyboard again tonight trying to write something that I cannot fathom, let alone put down onto paper. So why am I trying again today? Why do I fight against my own fears and my own insecurities?
I’m beginning to think it is because no matter how much I have hurt, no matter how much I have lost, no matter how low I may have gotten, at my core I know that I love with my heart and not with my head. I know deep inside I deserve to experience the kind of love that will last the rest of my life. I know there is a love out there that will keep me inside her heart long after my own has ceased to beat. Maybe I am kidding myself but despite all of the lies, all of the pain, and all of the loss, I still want to believe in the power of true friendship.
So what does that look like for me? What does this person look like? Is she tall? Is she short? What color of hair does she have? That is what my friends seem to want to hear from me. However as I ponder that question I realize that it is not a look that I see in my mind’s eye… it is a feeling. It is her character and her essence that I see with my heart and not with my head.
This woman feels like I’ve known her all my life and yet it feels like I know nothing. I want to know everything about her. She will be thrilled to tell me of those things of which she is most proud of and willing to trust me with and those things that she is most ashamed of. I will want to know not just what she thinks but how she thinks.
She will want to know the real me.
She will not be sad over yesterday, nor satisfied with just today, for she will want for tomorrow.
She cannot be perfect, for she will be happy with who she is and who she wants to be.
She will be as comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans as she is in that amazing little black dress.
She will want to be my friend and my foil and she will know when each is needed.
She will challenge me and she will, on occasion, allow me win.
She will be as kind to herself as she is to me.
When she is not with me she will want to be and yet she will want experiences that do not include me. When I do see her again she cannot wait to share those things with me, and with me alone.
She will not want to change me, but she will adore who I am.
She, like me, will believe in the power long deep kisses well as the electricity of a single gentle one.
She will believe in the power of prayer and the strength of doing things for one’s self.
She will want me for me, not in spite of my short comings, but because of them.
She will make me want to be better, not for her, but because of her.
In her heart she will be kind to everyone, including those who are not kind to her.
She will love without boundaries or limits but she won’t accept anything less than what she needs.
She will be able to know when to praise me and when to criticize me and she will be able to do both in the appropriate dosages.
She will get upset, she will get sad, and she will get mad, but she will not allow it to ruin her day nor change who she is.
She won’t lie to me, but more importantly she won’t lie to herself.
She will take care of herself, not for me, nor for anyone else but for her.
She will be confident but not overly so.
She will want to hold my hand during the day and me at night.
Every time I see her she takes my breath away and every time she kisses me, she gives it back.
She is the lady I want and the woman I need.
I guess that pretty much describes her. If you see her please let me know, but also please be aware that I won’t be waiting for her… I’ll be busy being me. I would still like to meet her someday, if I haven’t already.